It's Only Rain
by Aoiika
Summary: Bella lost someone she loved very much, but before she can mourn him, her mother's disease worsens and Bella can no longer live in Phoenix. She goes to hide in the rain of Forks, and hides deep within herself at the same time, where fits of paranoia creep upon her from the deep green shadows...
1. So it Begins

**Introduction: **Bella has just moved to Forks. She left Phoenix because of the death of her boyfriend, whom she loved very much. She couldn't handle the memories her home held of happier times. To make matters worse, her mother fell sick : cancer. And her mother doesn't want Bella to see her like that, to suffer even more, so she pushed Bella to go, even when the girl seemed to be having a hard time leaving her mom behind.

* * *

**Chapter 1.**

**So It Begins**

More rain. I felt it the moment I was outside the door to go to school. But I didn't complain, I didn't mind. I used to hate it, when I came to spend one month with my dad every summer as a little girl. But now I couldn't care less.

I got into the cab of my big old Chevy truck and tried to start the engine. Unfortunately, it didn't start half the time, and as I'm completely devoid of any luck, it was always on rainy days that it chose to disappoint me. I was thus doomed to go on foot today, for Charlie was always gone before me. And even if he wasn't, I wasn't sure I'd accept to ride in his cruiser.

I was soaked to the bone when I finally reached the school buildings, and to make matters worse, I was late. The hallways were deserted. I hung up my raincoat in silence and entered the classroom, trying to be as discreet as possible, which was a mission doomed to fail. Someone had put his bag down close to the door, and tripping over it was, for a person like me, unavoidable. Luckily I was able to catch myself on a desk before hitting the floor; _unluckily_, it was the teacher's desk. And not just any teacher. It was Mr. Varner, the trigonometry teacher. Of course he turned around at hearing the noise, with a glint in his eyes that meant I was in trouble.

"How kind of you to join us, Miss Swan." He said severely. "Apparently the chief's daughter doesn't need to be educated. But I have a different opinion, Miss Swan. So I ask of you to finish all the exercises on page 92 by tomorrow."

I turned red from humiliation as I regained my seat which was, thankfully, at the back of the classroom and next to a very kind girl named Angela, who immediately whispered some kind and encouraging words as I sat down and fumbled with my bag.

Angela was a good friend of mine, actually the only real friend I had, for she was the only one who seemed to really care about me, even though I did not talk to her. I did not talk to anyone. A few polite greetings a day were my limit.

The rest of the morning passed in much the same way as usual. After a month in Forks, I'd developed a steady routine. Get up, go to school, go home and cook for Charlie and myself, do my homework and get into bed. And all this was done pretty much in silence on my part. Except for today.

Just as I was thinking I'd be alone again at last when the bell rang at the end of the school day, I heard my name being called across the hallway. I turned around to see Jessica, a girl from my Trig and Spanish classes, and also a friend of Angela's who liked to gossip, jogging my way.

"Here." She said as she handed me some papers. "We got these this morning when you were late. I forgot to give them to you."

"Thanks." I mumbled as I took the sheets, and already turned away.

But Jessica hadn't understood my desire to be alone in silence and took my turning away as a sign to join me on the way to the parking lot. Jessica often talked to me during lunch, or even during Spanish when I sat next to her, but that was mostly just because she needed a 'gossip outlet'. It couldn't even be called a conversation, for she always talked and I rarely even listened. Today was no different, and she continued the story about a couple in school who were on the verge of breaking up, which was good news apparently because all the girls thought the guy was hot. I, however, didn't even know what the guy looked like. Outside the small group I sat with during lunch, I didn't really know anyone. I could vaguely recognize the faces, but couldn't even tell their names.

As Jessica droned on, I saw the parking lot coming nearer. I'd have to try and convince her to leave me without hurting her feelings. A difficult task to say the least, and more than a little bit stressful.

"Jess, listen." I began, using the short version of her name to try and sound more friendly and personal, which was completely ruined by the awkward sound of my voice. "I have to get home now. See you in Spanish tomorrow?"

She blinked at me for a moment, seeming surprised for she wasn't used to hearing such a long sentence coming from my mouth. "Yeah, okay." She finally answered hesitatingly, probably wondering whether I was an alien about to brain-wash her, or suck out her soul when no one was looking.

I sighed deeply as I watched her walk away to her car. Which reminded me that I'd come on foot. _Dang it._

A second sigh escaped me as I set out on foot for the two-mile-journey home. Of course, the rain which had stopped during the day picked up again now. My almost dry clothes were drenched in no time. But it could hardly be called bad luck. That was just how things were in Forks: rainy.

I'd been walking for five minutes when I felt it again. It was a very strange feeling that had regularly washed over me for a while now. I wasn't sure when exactly (for in my state, the days usually became one big blur after another) but it seemed to have started shortly after my arrival in Forks. So I'd come to the conclusion that it was my mental state, together with the mysterious greenish environment here that had been causing some kind of paranoia attacks.

I hadn't told anyone, not wanting to be sent to a shrink, and had mostly dismissed the feeling, but I still couldn't help looking over my shoulder every time it happened, because when it did, I felt so sure that I was being watched. But as usual, when I turned around, there was absolutely nothing to see. The school buildings were still visible afar and alive with movement, and cars were splashing through ocean-sized puddles on the street. But except from that, all was deserted.

Minutes after I set off on the main road, the cell phone in my bag started to vibrate. I took it out, fumbling with it as I tried to protect it from the sheeting rain. The text message was from Charlie and it read:

_Bella, where are you?_

_Your truck is here, and you are late._

_Should I come pick you up?_

Charlie didn't like to express his emotions, but I could clearly feel worry behind the words he'd written. Ever since I'd come back to Forks a month or so ago, he'd treated me like I was a porcelain doll. It irritated me a bit, but I had nowhere near enough energy to protest or be upset; which didn't mean I let him do what he wanted. I quickly answered him.

_Don't worry, I'm coming._

_Truck didn't start this morning._

As I sent the message, my eye fell upon today's date: 5th of april.

One second was all it took. Everything I'd tried to push into a little corner of my head came back because… Well because today was his birthday… Alex's birthday. He was my boyfriend, had _been _my boyfriend, and would've become nineteen today . . . if he'd still been alive.

His face was suddenly clear and smiling in my mind, his chaotic auburn hair surrounding it like a cloud, brushing his neck and cheeks in playful curls. The image faded away slowly as I felt warm drops roll over my cheeks among the cold rain drops. My sight got blurred as tears began to fill my eyes. And my lungs and heart were being crushed by an invisible weight.

My cell phone, forgotten, slipped out of my wet hand and landed in a puddle. But I couldn't pick it up. I could no longer feel my legs and I had difficulty breathing. So I let myself drop to the ground, against the wall of the department store I was standing next to, hugged my knees against my chest and hid my face in between.

For now, the world around me didn't exist. All there was in this tiny space was myself, and the excruciating pain of loss and misery. I cried for him, but I also cried for my mother. She was still of this world, but the doctors had made clear that she wouldn't be for long anymore. Barely a few weeks after Alex, she'd been diagnosed with lung cancer, even though she'd never touched a cigarette in her life.

But it had been too late. Like many people, she'd been too afraid of the diagnose to see a doctor and she had kept postponing it. I couldn't blame her. My mother was a very young and energetic person, a bit immature too. But now she faced it with more courage and determination than I'd ever seen. She knew very well that she was at the end…

But even then. She'd supported me through my mourning for Alex. And when she knew I couldn't handle the sight of our home city anymore, for it held too many memories of happier times, she'd insisted that I come here to live with Charlie.

I suspected there was another reason why she wanted me to leave. A reason I could not even think about without going insane with anger, pain and denial: she didn't want me to see her die. It was the very first thing that I felt she did as my parent. Otherwise I had always been the one taking care of her as if I was the adult.

After having had my heart torn apart and my tears run free for a while, I began to work on pushing everything back again, and put the numbness back in its place. It was a way for me to disconnect from the world and from myself, shrouding my world in emptiness and silence. It wasn't easy, but I'd had some practice.

I had no idea how much time had passed while working on this exercise. It could've been a minute, could've been an hour. All I knew was that the rain was still falling, but I was already soaked and didn't even feel it anymore. And then I became a little aware again of my surroundings. I heard cars passing close by. I heard one stopping, the sound of the door being opened, and footsteps coming my way.

Next came a voice, so soft and warm that it made me sleepy. Or was it exhaustion that made me want to sleep? The nights weren't peaceful for me.

"Is everything all right?" The voice asked.

I wanted to answer it, it was so beautiful, in a painful nostalgic way. It felt like home and warmth, but unreachable at the same time. I did not seem to have any air left in my lungs. I couldn't even lift my head to see what person could have such a lullaby-like voice.

"I could give you a ride if you told me where you live." He said, for it was clearly a deep, male sound.

Again, I wished to say something, but it was an impossible thing to do. I definitely felt like a doll now, lying lifeless on the street. Another Bella inside me was getting frustrated at my passiveness.

"You're trembling; let me get you somewhere warm."

It was only now he'd said it that I realized I was shivering violently. I felt so cold and wet. It was sucking the life out of me.

Suddenly two arms wrapped themselves around me and lifted me off the sidewalk, which resembled more a river now. I was startled at how easy it was for this individual to do so. But I wasn't much more comfortable than I'd been on the ground. He was as hard and cold as the pavement stones.

Only a second later and I was more comfortably seated on the passenger side of the car. Again I was surprised at how quickly he'd closed the distance. I had no time to even blink and my mysterious helper was seated on his side. He turned the heaters on, so that warm air was now coming out of the vents and started to slowly dry my hair and clothes.

I could now look at him, and was again surprised, but this time because I recognized him. He was in my biology class at Forks High School. I couldn't remember what his name was, even though Jessica had gossiped about him and his family a lot during the last month.

According to her accounts, he was a little like me, a bit of an outsider. He didn't talk to anyone except his family. The five of them, two girls and three boys, mostly kept to themselves. Never had I had a reason to talk to him, and I immediately regretted not having heard his voice before. It was the first thing ever having been able to soothe me since… well…since Alex.

He'd started driving already, even though I hadn't told him my address yet. I kept my eyes on the road, but couldn't help peeking sideways from time to time. I'd never really looked at him before, and only now noticed how striking he was. His appearance matched his voice. His hair was a bit chaotic and had a reddish brown color. His complexion was even paler than mine, which was an exception on itself. However, his eyes were the most unusual. Never before in my life had I seen someone with eyes the color of gold and topaz. They often darted sideways too, to look at me with a worried glint in them.

His beauty was fascinating and I had a hard time to look away from his face, but as I did so, another face came hovering in my mind: Alex's eyes were fixing me.

Suddenly I dropped my gaze and observed my soaked boots. I felt incredibly guilty for thinking any other guy than Alex could be cute. And my heart felt threatened by this boy's features, for it felt like it would erase Alex's from my memory. Never did I want to forget him. Never did I want to lose the little bit that I had left of him. So I forced myself to look outside, at the trees now moving past in a blur. My stomach did a little flip as I suddenly realized how fast we were going. But I did not say a word.

He was driving down the road I usually took to go home after school, even though I still hadn't told him my address. I was puzzled by this. He seemed to feel my state of agitation, for he then spoke.

"You're Bella, sheriff Swan's daughter, aren't you? I know where he lives." He'd just finished his sentence as he pulled over in front of the house. My truck and the cruiser were both parked in the driveway.

"Did it break down again?" He asked. He nodded toward my Chevy.

"Yeah." I finally managed to choke out. I felt astonished at his knowledge of me, but my atrophied facial muscles probably didn't show it. It was an advantage sometimes. "H-how did you know?"

"It's the only car in the school's parking lot that regularly vanishes. What other reason could there be for its repeated absence?" He smiled broadly as he explained. "I'm relieved to hear you talking." He added, starting on another subject.

I looked away, a bit embarrassed. What did he think of me now that he'd seen me like this? I inhaled deeply to collect some courage, intending to thank him for his help, but when I turned around to look at him he'd disappeared. The passenger door then opened. He'd gotten out and circled the car to open the door for me like a gentleman, without me even noticing.

"Th- thanks." I stammered. And then I realized I still didn't know his name. Jessica must've mentioned it, but I couldn't remember. He seemed very pleased when I asked him.

"Edward." He answered, grinning. "Edward Cullen"

"Thank you, Edward." My voice was still rough from neglecting it. I really wasn't used to talking so much anymore.

"Anytime." He said, smiling encouragingly, as if really wanting me to ask him for more favors. "Take care of yourself, Bella."

I smiled an awkward mini smile and nodded, before turning away to get to my door. As I finished fumbling with the key and finally got the door to open, I turned to look at him just once more, but he was gone. I hadn't even heard his car starting. Was I becoming deaf?

* * *

I dreamt of Alex that night. That happened quite often. But I tried to forget about it as soon as I got up, otherwise it would never be possible for me to get through the day. I couldn't think about him, but couldn't forget him either...

After a nice hot shower I went down for a silent breakfast with Charlie. But even though he did not say anything other than a 'good morning', I could see he'd been really worried yesterday, and still was. He knew about the birthday.

Still, everything remained as usual. He went out for work and I begged my truck to start, which it did to my great relief. Charlie must've looked at it. As I got to the school parking lot, the shiny Volvo immediately caught my attention. I recognized it from yesterday, and now knew who the owner was.

That his car was here meant he was already in school. This thought gave me a strange feeling of relief and of being safe. As if today I would jump out of a plane with a parachute, as opposite to the other days when I'd jumped with no safety net at all.

I got out of the cab and swung my bag over my shoulder. Now that I was on time, there was no need for me to hurry. I could concentrate on my feet to keep myself from tripping as usual. But a sudden shiver along my spine turned my attention to something else: Again, that feeling of being watched. I looked around. The lot was filled with students, it could be anyone here, but my intuition told me it came from the dark shade of the mossy trees, on the other side of the lot. I could almost picture two pairs of eyes glowing in the shadow.

But I knew it was impossible. Who could possibly be interested in spying on me? I spun around and mostly concentrated on getting inside the building as fast as I could.

The bell rang and everyone rushed out of class to the cafeteria. I, however, didn't feel like rushing. It didn't matter anyway, there was always a long queue at the food counter. I joined Jessica and Angela in the queue, for Angela had been hailing me. She didn't want me to stay alone. I smiled gratefully, but I was certain that she noticed the smile looked more like a grimace.

I took something to eat without even seeing what it was, and followed the girls to our usual table, where Mike, Eric, Tyler and Lauren already sat, chattering away about Mr. Varner, the most hated teacher in the school. But instead of trying to follow the conversation, my eyes started to linger around the cafeteria, unconsciously looking for something. It didn't take long for me to find it. There, in a retreated corner of the room, sat the five members of the family. Edward had told me yesterday his last name was Cullen.

So this is the Cullen family, I thought, watching them closely for the first time. Now that I thought about it, I seemed to remember Charlie mentioning that name. Some Dr. Cullen worked at the local hospital, were they related?

Probably, there weren't enough people in Forks for two people to have the same name by coincidence. He was probably their dad, though I couldn't imagine that they needed any adult supervision. They all looked like full grown adults themselves. Especially the big muscled one, he looked a bit scary, with arms twice as large as my thighs. But the others were just as intimidating in their own personal ways.

The blond girl sitting next to the big one was gorgeous in every way. Her wavy hair fell lightly to her waist and her figure was more perfect than a model's. I couldn't imagine a girl who wouldn't be jealous of such beauty.

Only the girl sitting next to her could easily rival, even though she had a completely different style. Her pixie black hair pointed in every direction, which accentuated the thinness of her delicate face and neck. She was much smaller and slighter, but she seemed to be more animated than the others, a playful smile hovering on her perfect features. And her movements, I could only dream of such elegance and smooth control. I was mesmerized as she tucked her hair behind her ear with such…how could I possibly describe it? I felt even more self-conscious about my unruly klutziness now.

I tore my eyes away from her to move along to the fourth member, a blond man this time. Like all the others, he possessed flawless features and beauty. But it was somehow disturbed by the look on his face that showed obvious discomfort, almost pain. I wondered if maybe he was sick. But I could not worry for him much more, for I had now reached the last and most important member and the only one whose name I knew: Edward.

I recognized the same features in him as all the others, the pale skin, the golden eyes, the purplish bruises under them, as if they were all very tired. He seemed to fit in with them, and I felt more intimidated by him, now that he was surrounded by such an impressive group. They all seemed to belong together, to be attached by a stronger bond than anyone here, even though none of them were looking at each other. It was a most peculiar group.

My fascinating study was suddenly interrupted by the sound of my name.

"He even gave Bella a punishment, it was really mean." I heard Angela say now that I was listening again. "By the way, Bella, did you have the time to finish the work he gave you?" She asked kindly as she turned to me, thinking that I'd been following the whole time.

"Hmmm" I said, nodding as I was still looking toward the Cullen table. I'd made those exercises a long time ago, before Mr. Varner had asked me. I often worked more than was required, just to keep my mind as busy as possible to keep it from wandering on subjects I wanted to avoid at all costs.

"He's so unfair! If he ever does that again, just tell me, Bella, and I'll go talk to the principle." Mike said to me, a bit too protectively for my taste. He didn't have to be so passionate about it. But I smiled politely in a grateful gesture.

I tried my hardest to keep focused on the conversation as lunch time passed, but I couldn't keep my eyes from darting toward the Cullen table every now and then. And I couldn't comprehend why everyone in the room could just act as if they weren't even there. Why was I the only one being so mesmerized by them?

I then remembered that before yesterday, I hadn't paid more attention to them than anyone else. What had changed?

Once lunch time over I slowly headed over to biology. I knew that I would find Edward there too, which wouldn't exactly help my staring problem. Still, I couldn't feel bad about it. I had the inexplicable feeling that if he was there, nothing could go wrong. Furthermore, he was seated two rows in front of me, so I could stare without it being too obvious.

Mike quickly joined me after parting with Jessica. Both of them had become a couple a short while ago, after I'd made clear I wasn't interested in him. But he still stuck to me sometimes, like now for example. I had no idea why he had been interested; I didn't even talk much to him.

Still, he'd insisted on being my lab partner. But I suspected that was partly because the only other person with no lab partner here was Edward, and it had been pretty clear that Mike held a great dislike for him. Probably because Edward had had so much success with the girls when he'd first arrived here two years ago, or so Jessica had told me.

I hoped that Mike didn't notice me peeking constantly at Edwards back during the entire period. I was somewhat relieved that biology was over, being with Mike was often quite a suffocating experience, for he always felt he needed to help me and protect me. Sometimes he was right to do so, when we had to work with scalpels for example, or scissors, or anything that was already dangerous enough in itself, that it wouldn't be a good idea to put it in my hands. But he often exaggerated, like he'd done during lunch. I wasn't _that_ fragile, and I didn't like to be treated so. I'd always cared for myself _and_ for my mother for that matter.

But the feeling of relief didn't last long, for now my personal hell of the day would begin: Gym. Yes, Mike was still there, but at least here he wasn't sitting an inch from me, treating me like a little girl. He usually formed a team with me, and then just played whatever position I was supposed to be. I didn't mind him doing so, for it was not only for my safety, but also for others.

Today we would be playing volleyball, and I was very satisfied with standing in the corner of the pitch and watch my team do their thing. That's why everyone, including our coach, was very surprised when I still managed to stumble against the pole that was holding the net, and get a nasty cut on the back of my hand.

"But you weren't even playing!" Mike exclaimed, as startled as the rest. I gave everyone a sheepish smile as the coach ordered me to go to the infirmary. I hoped they wouldn't worry about me. There certainly was no need for that.

The rain washed away some of the blood as I headed out of the gym towards Ms. Cole's office, where the infirmary was. I did not get very far, however, that I again felt like I was being watched. Only this time it felt much more intense, as if I could feel desire burning in the pair of eyes that were looking at me, wherever they were. I could not understand what was going on. Was I really going crazy? It seemed more of a possibility each day.

In the end the wound wasn't that deep. It only took the nurse a few minutes to disinfect and bandage the wound. I blessed her when she told me I wouldn't have to participate in the Gym lessons for a few days.

I left the school a bit earlier than the rest, and headed back home. I had some grocery shopping to do though, so I set out again. After this I decided to make something more complicated for dinner, because I did not have enough homework to fill my evening. But in the end, it was unavoidable. There always came a time when I had nothing more to do, and I would go crazy being trapped in my own head.

Today it came around nine. Charlie was watching a game downstairs. I knew he too was doing his best to suppress his emotions; it was our way to deal with things. But just like me, it became too much for him at times. I'd heard him a few weeks ago, locked in his room, crying silently. I knew he still loved my mother very much; he'd never really gotten over her. Sometimes I wished we could be more open to each other. Maybe it would help. But I had no clue about how to even try.

I had now nothing else to do but get changed and into bed. But I took my mp3 with me, which I had emptied of all slow and sensitive ballads. I fell asleep around midnight, to the sound of meaningless electronic music and rebellious rock music. My dreams once again filled with corpses of the few people I loved.

* * *

Nothing seemed very different the next day, and still I felt something was…out of place. I'd woken up in the middle of the night, screaming because of the nightmares, and had been overwhelmed by the feeling there was someone in my room. First I'd thought about Charlie, after all, he was the only other person in this house. But when I'd heard his snores coming from his bedroom, I'd realized it was not him.

I'd moved to flick on the lights, and just before I'd reached my bedside lamp, I'd seen a shadow pass swiftly and disappear into the night. My heart had thrummed in my chest as I considered the possibility it had been a ghost, maybe Alex's? But when the morning had come, and the light had again illuminated the world, the idea had seemed more than ridiculous.

I'd then assumed it had been a part of my nightmare. I really didn't want to become crazy. But it seemed something inevitable, creeping up on me. And acting normal, or at least as normal as I could around everyone was becoming harder every day.

I'd been even more silent and unresponsive during the following morning. Only the idea that I was going to see the Cullen family seemed to calm me down as lunch time approached. I waited for it, as if waiting for oxygen during a long dive, when I followed Jessica and Angela to the cafeteria. I looked around, toward the same table as yesterday. They were there, just as I had predicted. I watched them discreetly all the way to our table. But I had to pull my eyes away from them then, for Mike and Angela were inquiring after my wounded hand as I sat down.

"It's fine." I responded, one of the few words that escaped my mouth. My voice croaked like an old lady's. I showed them my bandage to help them convince I was perfectly healthy. They should know me better by now, I constantly had all kind of accidents. It wasn't my first trip to the nurse, but it was the first time there was blood. I guess that's what upset them the most. I quickly grew tired of all the attention though, it made me feel like a charity case, which of course, I knew was true. I wasn't sitting at this table because they enjoyed my company.

I made it clear that I wanted to change the subject though, and so Jessica quickly got back to her newest and juiciest gossip. Only, for the first time ever, I was actually interested in what she had to say.

"Did you hear about Edward Cullen?" She asked. But of course she wasn't expecting an answer, she immediately continued. "He suddenly got up during last period yesterday and dashed out of the classroom without saying a word!"

"He's so weird." Mike said disapprovingly.

I couldn't help but sneak a peek to the subject of the gossip. Edward Cullen was just as breathtaking as he'd been yesterday, no doubt. But he seemed concentrated today, as if trying to hear something. Was he listening to our conversation? Surely he couldn't hear from all the way across the cafeteria…could he?

"Maybe Bella saw him, she left to go to the nurse at about the same time." I heard Mike say.

"Really?" Jessica exclaimed, and she turned to me, excited to hear a firsthand account of yesterday's events. "Did you see him?"

But of course I hadn't seen a thing. The parking lot had been empty. My negative answer disappointed her, but it didn't discourage her to continue to speculate about the reason for his actions. But I was suddenly too preoccupied to listen.

Now that I thought about it, maybe the parking lot hadn't been empty. I'd sensed someone watching me again. Until now, I'd thought it was me who was insane, but what if I wasn't? Yes it was a rather long shot, but still, Edward had been out there somewhere at exactly the same moment I was. The school really wasn't that big, I should've seen him. But what if I had _sensed_ him?

Ah, that's ridiculous, I thought. Why in the world would _Edward Cullen_ want to spy on me? Yes, he'd been there to help me two days ago, but he hadn't said a word to me since. He'd probably just been polite and worried about his classmate, nothing more. And I did not want there to be something more. Absolutely not.

However, I was growing tired of those paranoia attacks, and I decided that next time it happened, I would definitely find out if I was crazy or not.

In the meanwhile, things went on as usual. I suffered through biology as Mike insisted to take notes for me, even though my wounded hand wasn't the one I wrote with. And I was allowed to sit on the bench during Gym, watching with relief how smoothly things went when I wasn't participating. I even caught coach Clapp sighing in satisfaction when the period had passed without any incident whatsoever.

After school ended, I headed to the pharmacy. I was out of pills the doctor in Phoenix had prescribed to me right after Alex's death. I didn't like taking them, they didn't help with the feeling I was crazy, but Charlie made sure I didn't even miss taking one.

Yes, Charlie was really worried. It pained me that he had to deal with me while he himself was having such a hard time about Renee, my mom.

I drove slowly. It wasn't raining, but it had been quite cold this morning, and the puddles had half-frozen during the day. Luckily I arrived at the pharmacy without trouble. I took some money and my prescriptions from the seat next to me and headed out of the cab to the entrance. But as I opened the door, I caught the toe of my boot on the doorjamb and felt my body lose its balance. I threw my hands out and squeezed my eyes shut in a reflex motion to prepare for impact, but it never came.

I slowly reopened me eyes and saw the floor, about three feet away from my face, under me. Two arms had caught me in such a smooth motion I hadn't even felt it. Though now I did feel them, and their touch seemed familiar: hard and cold. I immediately thought of Edward Cullen, but though the arms felt the same, they weren't. There were much, much thinner, thinner than mine. I was surprised they'd been able to carry my weight.

I scrambled to my feet and turned to see who it was, even though I already knew. It was the thinnest and smallest girl of the Cullens, the one with her pixie hair. Her broad and enthusiastic smile had the effect of warming me up instantly.

"Hi, Bella." She said, as if we'd known each other for ages. And her voice, a high little soprano, rang like music in my ears, much in the same way Edward's voice did.

"Um, hi." I responded, mesmerized again by her elegant and effortless movements.

"I'm Alice, Alice Cullen. I'm here to pick up some medication for one of Carlisle's patients. He's our father. He's a doctor at the clinic." She explained.

So I'd been right. Dr. Cullen _was_ their father. I wondered how he'd managed to have so many children of practically the same age. Maybe some were twins?

But I did not say anything. Instead, I thanked her for saving me from another bruise and humiliation.

"It's ok." She said. "I'd sort of seen it coming." I had the strange impression that this phrase had a double meaning.

The silence was a bit awkward while we waited for the old man in front of us to pay for his medication. I was more than preoccupied by trying not to ogle at Alice, while she seemed to be itching to tell me something, but wasn't allowed to do so. After a minute or so, she finally made up her mind to speak.

"I heard you met my brother, Edward?" She asked casually. Her voice sounded to my ears like the best chocolate in the world would taste to my tongue.

"Uh… y-yes. He… helped me." I had to really concentrate on talking. I had a hard enough time using my voice as it was, but with someone like her in front of me…

"I'm very pleased that I was able to meet you as well." She said and then she hugged me. I was dumbstruck as she let me go again, but still I noticed how she sniffed my bandaged hand before doing so.

"Yeah, me too." Was my brilliant answer.

"We'll see each other soon." She said, sounding determined, as if she already knew it would happen. Did she know something I didn't?

I simply nodded, not sure how to respond to that. She turned to the door without even going to the counter. Hadn't she come here to get some medicine?

Just before she closed the door she said over her shoulder: "Take care of yourself, Bella" She'd sounded serious, but very soft at the same time as she repeated the words her brother had spoken to me. They both really had a gift for making me feel at ease.

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Hello everyone. My name is Aoiika, and this is my second Twilight fanfic. I'd be happy if you left me your thoughts in a review or a pm. Sharing is the most enjoyable part of fanfiction, so don't hold back :)


	2. With a Stormy Day

**A/n:** Thank you to , my first reviewer!

And enjoy the second chapter :)

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**Chapter 2.**

**With a Stormy Day**

The week had ended without other incidents. And so it was weekend again, the most awful time of all. I'd tried to occupy myself with the usual things, homework, housework, cooking. I almost cried again when I answered an e- mail my mom had sent me from a hospital computer. Almost. I wasn't in the mood for another breakdown, even though I was alone. Charlie had had an emergency at work, some backpackers appeared to have gone missing in the area.

But of course, that same feared moment when I had nothing more to do came. It was around noon on Sunday. My mind raced with fearful vivacity to find something, anything before my emotions could come flooding back. I wasn't in the mood for reading, music, or a film. So I did the incredible, I took my raincoat and keys and left the house. I wasn't sure where I wanted to go, but I thought that if I just started to drive, it would be a good start.

I drove to the beach, and down the winding roads along it. I passed the La Push reservation, but didn't want any company, so I continued on for more isolated places. After an hour of this, I began to realize the light had changed. The sun never shone very brightly around here, but it was now even darker than usual. I peeked over the dashboard, up to the massive pack of deep purple clouds above. They seemed to be forming a solid ceiling, slowly pressing down so that the air became almost warm. I felt it as I let my window down. But as nice as it was to feel that lukewarm breath on my face, I was worried about what was happening up there. There was rain coming, which wasn't so bad, but it looked like there was much more than that. I was now at least one and a half hour of driving away from the house. It wasn't very late though. But maybe it was best to give up on my quest for occupation.

I carefully turned my truck around on the narrow winding road, not wanting to plummet to my death over the cliff into the ocean. Or did I? No, no I couldn't do that. It would be most stupid and selfish.

I traced back the same way I'd come, but didn't dare push my truck too far. It was already whining in protest, and I wasn't even going that fast. And soon, droplets of rain began to obscure my windscreen, so I slowed down even more, feeling the road get more slippery already. The tiny drops quickly intensified and in no time, it was falling down by the bucket. That wasn't very unusual in Forks, but when the wind came along to give an extra aggressive side to the downpour, I began to feel a bit alone and scared.

A sudden flash made me jump behind the wheel, my truck swerved slightly. It was soon followed by a deep and unsettling rumble. It sounded like a mountain had collapsed a few miles away. My hands gripped the wheel more tightly and I turned on the radio, hoping it would make me feel less isolated.

Why, oh why, had I had to drive this far? And it would certainly take me much more time to get home. Visibility was practically null and I was now going so slow that I would've gone faster by foot. But there was no way I was getting out of my truck. The rusted steel felt strong and protective around me as the world seemed to be coming to an end outside. The sky had become so dark, the rain was so loud and the wind was howling like a thousand wolves.

The noise was regularly shattered by a new flash and rumble, seemingly coming nearer. I looked suspiciously at the trees, they were swerving and bending, almost reaching the point where their trunks wouldn't hold it anymore, and would snap like mere twigs.

It was too much for me. As soon as I saw a small clearing next to the road, safely away from treacherous trees and the slippery cliffs, I pulled over in the middle of it and curled up in the middle of the seats. Outside it seemed to become even worse. How was that possible? It looked like the hurricanes you saw on the news, or in disaster films.

I became more terrified each second. And many, many seconds came to pass. But still it did not slow, in fact, I felt with horror as the truck began to glide down the slope of the clearing. Water was flowing over it in rivers of mud. The water rose higher and was now powerful enough to take my means of transport and my shelter with it. Inch by inch my Chevy edged towards the road, and after that, a steep fall into the ocean.

I gripped the dashboard with my sweaty hands, I was breathing in gasps. I was powerless and stunned with fear while the storm and thunder continued to rage around me.

A sudden shock against the cab made me jump, but I did not scream. It had felt like a boulder crashing against it. Only it hadn't been a boulder, it was a tree. The thing seemed to have been entirely ripped out of the ground. It was floating along on the newly formed river and was nudging my truck further toward the steep drop.

This is it, I thought, it's over for me. But even though I still felt panicked and terrified, that thought also gave me a sense of relief. I just hoped it would be over quickly.

But then it happened so fast my mind had difficulty grasping the situation. A shadow appeared against the window that faced downhill. The water was less deep on that side as it was running around the truck. The shadow then opened the door. A bolt of lightning helped me see who it was.

The shock and surprise held the instant image of his face in front of my eyes, even though darkness had taken over again. His voice sounded much less melodic and calm than before. It urged me in a panicked, but determined way to take his hand and come out of the cab. But I could not move, I could not understand. How had he gotten here, how had he known, and why was he saving me, again? And how would coming out of the truck help me? We would both drown out there!

"Bella!" His voice had become softer and warmer. He was doing his best to conceal the fear and urgency in it, but I still felt it. "Bella, listen to me. You have to trust me! You'll be safe with me. Please, take my hand and come out!"

My instincts were still telling me that coming out was a very bad idea, but I couldn't _not _trust him. It was impossible, he was a complete stranger, but I knew his words were true, I just knew it. I crept over the seats and as soon as he could reach me he curled his arm around my waist and easily lifted me out. He cradled my whole body into his chest, bending over to protect me from the beating rain. His clothes were drenched, but I did not care. I gripped his sweater and buried my face in it. The cold hardness beneath his clothes felt somehow warm and soft to me now.

I had no idea how he'd managed to cross the open clearing where the water had almost reached my headlights. Surely we should've been dragged along with the force of the stream. I hadn't dared to look. But I soon felt that we were in the woods again. There was less rain pouring down on us, and when I did open my eyes, it was even darker.

The trees offered some protection from the downpour, but I saw the wind thrashing against them, pulling them, bending them. I soon buried my face in his chest again and clutched at his sweater. He tightened his grip around me in response.

"It's all right." He whispered, the sound somehow reaching my ears over the hellish noise of the raging storm. "I've got you, you're safe."

I then heard a tree trunk crack, and the very sudden movement he made to avoid it told me it had been right in our path.

Moments later, we were suddenly in the dry. The noise was much softer, muffled. I felt his arms loosen around me, and drop me onto something soft. He had to pry my fingers loose from his sweater, and I finally dared to open my eyes again.

I blinked, feeling extremely disoriented. I was sitting on a black leather couch, in a room filled with CD's. There was a big window that I knew had been open, for the thick carpet underneath it was soaking wet. The rain was thrashing against it, obscuring anything outside.

Edward knelt in front of me, but was careful not to touch me. His hair was dripping, as were his clothes. I realized with surprise that _I_ was relatively dry. My hair was a bit damp, and my boots had touched the water as he'd pulled me out of the truck, but other than that…

My breathing was still very irregular and panicked though. Edward told me to calm down, and so I concentrated on my breathing. I then began to wonder how we'd gotten here. This seemed to be his room, but were we so close to the shore? It hadn't taken him that long to get here, and carrying me as extra dead weight. And I hadn't noticed us coming into the house. It was as if we'd entered by his window, which surely wasn't possible, for I could now faintly see that the forest floor was at least two floors down. But I had not exactly been much aware of my surroundings, so maybe I had it wrong…

Edward didn't move an inch, like he was afraid to leave me and get too close to me at the same time. His eyes were locked on me though, and his expression immediately reminded me of how Alex used to look at me. And that set it off again. I began to think about him, to remember him too much. Many little bits of the past flashed in my mind, until I came to the end of the film, the most awful of all memories. There had been a lot of noise too, and rain, and thunder as I desperately tried to find him, screaming his name.

I suddenly realized that the fear I'd felt today wasn't fear of death at all. The circumstances had just been so similar to that last moment; I'd begun to relive the memory. And though I was safe from the storm now, I wasn't safe from the past. It haunted me now more than ever. My breathing suddenly choked as the invisible weight crushed my lungs and heart again, but with so much more force this time that I actually stopped breathing. My body panicked and started to gasp instinctively. There weren't even any tears, it was just sheer terror, as if it was happening again.

I wasn't aware of what Edward was doing, but I suddenly heard him say "Jasper!" Somewhere at the back of my mind I wondered if there was someone else in the room, for it had not been loud enough for the sound to reach beyond these walls. But the urgency had been quite clear in it.

In the end it appeared that someone _was_ in the room, for only a second after Edward had spoken, a sudden flood of calm and numbness filled me and allowed me to breathe, relax, and look up to see that the tall blond member of the Cullen family was smiling at me from across the room.

I was a bit puzzled though, for he was standing in the doorway, seemingly afraid to come closer too, as if they were both scared I would attack them or something. But more importantly, the door was open, and I was certain it had been closed before, and I hadn't heard it open. So he had been outside the room when Edward had called, but how then had he heard? Had he been standing just outside? But even then….

I shook my head. The paranoia seemed to be becoming worse. Why was I being so suspicious about it? I probably just hadn't paid enough attention.

"She needs food." The blond one, whose name was apparently Jasper, said matter-of-factly.

"Can you stay alone with her?" Edward asked, sounding concerned. Jasper's face contorted into a grimace. He looked like he was in pain again, like he did at school. "Alice." Edward then called, just as softly as when he'd called Jasper.

Tiny Alice Cullen seemed to have appeared next to Jasper at the same time Edward had spoken her name. My mind must've slowed down from shock, I thought to myself. It was the only reason I could find as to why everything went so quickly now.

Alice however did not stay at the door. She wore a warm reassuring smile as she came to me. But, unlike Edward, she took place next to me on the couch. Edward shot her an accusing look, to which she was completely oblivious, before turning away and leaving the room.

"She looks out of it, but I feel that she's still alert." Jasper said, addressing Alice, as if telling her to be careful not to swear in front of a child. "Bella, can you hear us?"

Jasper's voice was just as sweet and soothing as his siblings'. How is that possible, I wondered. But I forced my numb mind to concentrate on answering his question, but whereas my head was still intact, my voice wasn't. After the last panic attack, it seemed to have disappeared completely. So I had to nod instead. It was a weak and lifeless nod.

I saw Jasper's brow crease with concern, but Alice on the other hand didn't seem very worried. She busied herself with removing my wet boots and socks. She then took my hand. The physical contact somewhat revived me, made me more lucid. Her cold skin felt cool and refreshing. Despite the awful weather outside, it was getting warm inside the small room.

"Tell me, Bella, what kind of music would you like to hear?" She asked. The question took me somewhat by surprise. It felt so oddly displaced, but reassuringly benign. I didn't know how to answer though. My throat refused to produce a sound.

"She's shying away from her feelings, she won't like sentimental music. She desires meaningless sounds and meaningless lyrics." Jasper answered for me. My head turned to him, a questioning look on my face, I was certain. I just kept being startled by everything. How did they all know? How were they all so fast? How were they all so _perfect_?

The burst of alarm I felt at his knowledge about my tastes quickly faded to the background, and the same calm and numbness took over again. I was now only vaguely aware of Alice and Jasper's trembling lips. The expression on their faces as they looked at each other made me think they were actually _talking _to each other. But it seemed like they were talking so quickly and so low that I couldn't even hear or see what they were saying. Was I thinking in slow motion again?

Whatever it was they were doing, they were interrupted as Edward appeared again, carrying a tray into the room. I didn't care what was on it, I only cared for the feeling that had just added itself to the numbing calm: the feeling of safety. He set the tray on a low table next to the couch.

"She just began to feel better." Jasper noted, eyeing Edward, seeming to understand he was the reason. "I think I can leave now. I'll be close though."

Alice gave me another of her heart-warming smiles as she bounced off the couch to follow Jasper into the hallway. As soon as they were out of sight, I began to feel more aware, as if a fog had lifted from my mind. I looked around again, and only now noticed there was music playing. It sounded like instrumental country music. It was innocent enough. I wondered when Alice had put it on.

Edward pulled the low table with the food-tray closer to me and then sat himself where Alice had been, though he left a much bigger gap in between us.

"Bella?" He carefully asked. I turned to look at him, and his eyes seemed to burn as they gazed into mine, as if seeing what I was thinking behind them. "You're safe now." He said. Though it was completely useless, I felt as safe as I could. But I nodded to let him know it. I knew he was looking for words, but after a short inner struggle, he just said: "Eat."

Eating was the very last thing I felt like doing right now, but still I reached out to the tray, not even looking or tasting what I was chewing on. Swallowing the lump of food took me some effort though. What I did not expect, was the effect it had. Feeling the food going through me, it was as if I could feel my throat again, and I was able to find my croaking voice. Though I only found one word to say. "Thanks."

Edward smiled sadly and shook his head, as if it was ridiculous for me to say such thing. I felt a sting at his expression. And for the first time in long, I also felt a shadow of anger poking my insides from somewhere in me. It gave me a little more vivacity and I was able to become more active. I deliberated for a while whether I should ask him how he'd been able to carry me so fast and so far, but I did not want to sound ungrateful. I thought that question could wait a bit. So I tried for something more benign.

"All this yours?" I asked, eyeing the rows upon rows of CD's, occupying the entire opposite wall, and the expensive-looking stereo that was filling the room with the country music set as a soft background.

Edward seemed surprised that I was attempting small talk, but went with it. "Yes, I'm a big fan of music."

I squinted to try to read the titles. But I was only able to recognize a few of the ones I read. "There's so much." I stated the obvious.

"I just added to it over the years. It had quite some time to grow."

"You must've started to collect since your birth!"

Edward looked a bit alarmed, but then a controlled poker face took over. He and Jasper, they just seemed so careful. It annoyed me a bit. I felt left out. At least Alice wasn't like that.

"Bella, we need to talk about earlier." He said earnestly.

I was a bit afraid of starting on that subject, partly because I feared another flash of the past, partly because I was scared Edward would feel attacked by my rude questions, and partly because he would probably think I was paranoid, which I was. But now that he seemed to want to talk about it, I couldn't deny the curiosity that was nagging at my insides. I breathed in deeply, for I felt I'd have to use my voice even more than ever before.

"How did you know I was there, in trouble?" I began.

He smiled a crooked smile, as if enjoying a private joke. There was nothing remotely funny to my question though. It tested my curiosity even more, and I began to blurt out all the things I'd wondered about.

"How did you get through that storm? How did you get in here so fast? And. . . _why_?"

"Why?" He repeated, most startled by that last question.

"Yes, why? I mean, that's the second time you help me, though I can see no reason at all for it."

"There is so much I have to confess to you." He sighed after a moment of silence. "But I'm afraid it will scare you, or even repulse you." He said.

The mystery just kept deepening with every word he said. I stared at him, puzzled, though I couldn't keep myself from admiring him again.

"Eat a bit more, Bella, and if you want me to bring you back home after I tell you, I'll understand. I won't ever bother you again." I was going to say that he did not bother me at all, but something he'd said made me gasp in horror. "What?" He asked as he unconsciously came closer, his eyes wide with worry. His hand was upraised, as if he was going to touch my shoulder, but he thought better of it and dropped it.

"Charlie!" I said. "He'll be so worried!"

"It's ok. Carlisle already called him. He knows you're safe. I'll bring you back to him as soon as the storm has passed." He said, but something in his tone made me feel like he resented the fact that he'd have to bring me back. Like a child having to give away his favorite toy.

I, myself, was overwhelmed with a desire for the storm to rage on forever. It was so surprisingly strong I forgot to chew. Edward's eyes were worried, again. I smiled reassuringly and resumed chewing. He looked relieved.

"So, as I said, I have to confess. You may have only really met me a few days ago, but I've noticed you the moment you arrived in Forks. I didn't talk to you because you did not seem to enjoy having company. But as time went on, and I noticed that you were very unhappy, I began to worry about you. And I saw you drive away today, and when the storm started, you weren't back yet."

"How did you know where?" I asked, not wanting to comment on the rest he'd said. The side of me that felt so safe with him around was very relieved and happy that he'd apparently always been ready to help me in the last month, but the other side was buzzing in alarm, for we were getting dangerously close. I knew I felt very attracted to him, but it was forbidden, impossible.

At that moment Alice came through the door again, smiling apologetically. "Charlie called again, he's getting impatient, he's on his way over." She explained. Edward nodded in acknowledgement and she left again, in her usual fairy style.

_Not yet_, was the first thing that crossed my mind. I did not want to go just yet. There was still so much unclear about this situation.

"Bella." His voice pulled my fascinated gaze from the door through which Alice had disappeared. It surprised me to hear pain and frustration in it. "Bella, I know it's unfair of me to ask you this, but, please, tell me what's wrong. Tell me, what is so bad that you can't even speak or smile?"

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Hello again, people :) How is this second part to your liking?


	3. And Almost Ended

**A/n: **Hello ladies and gentlemen! i want to thank you for your attention and patients, and for the reviews, though I would like to see more of them (Happy begging face?)

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**Chapter 3.**

**And Almost Ended**

And there it was, my throat was cut off again. If just now I'd been amazed at how easy it was to get the words out, it was now gone with the wind. I tried to drink from the glass of water on the tray to get my throat clear again, but of course it was no use. To make matters even worse, I felt tears prickling behind my eyes. I had to concentrate on my breathing again to try to keep them from becoming visible. I would not cry again in front of Edward Cullen!

_I'm so sorry, Alex_, I thought as I considered this intriguing new relationship, _I never deserved you, I don't even deserve to live. I'm so weak, but I'm so tired, so, so tired! It's so hard to live, Alex._ But I couldn't explain all this to Edward, partly because I was physically unable to speak again, and partly because if I did tell him, it would feel like betraying Alex even more than I already was by just wanting to stay by Edward's side.

I was being torn into pieces by guilt and indecision and frustration and pain. I put my face in my hands, feeling utterly defeated. I felt the couch move as Edward rose to his feet. But I did not hear him, not his footsteps, not his breathing, …

"I'm sorry I asked. I won't do it again. I'll just . . . leave you alone, if that's what you wish."

It wasn't, but then it was. I was being cut in half, the two sides wanting completely different things. I felt like screaming in confusion and frustration. And that bit of anger from before returned too, only it was against myself this time.

Time went by as the room stayed completely silent. I just kept my face in my hands, not daring to look at him and be enchanted by his appearance. After what seemed like a long time, Edward suddenly put his hand on my shoulder. I still hadn't heard him coming, and I jumped in surprise. He took it the wrong way, thinking I'd flinched away from his touch. I knew because there was pain in his eyes as I looked up again.

"Your father is here." He said, looking away from me. I put my still damp boots and socks back on and he then led the way down a wide staircase, which descended into an even bigger room. In fact, it seemed to occupy most of the first floor. And everything in it was composed of different shades of white. The back wall was glass, showing the storm outside. There was no thunder anymore, and the rain was much less, but the wind was still just as fierce as before.

Charlie was standing at the foot of the stairs, talking to a very young man and woman. I'd never seen them before, but I instantly recognized the family features: the golden eyes, the purple bruises under them, the perfectly symmetric face, the dazzling beauty, and the extremely pleasant voices.

My first thought was that they were other siblings, and that they weren't at Forks High School because they attended university. But the manner in which Charlie spoke to them felt like a parent to parent conversation. And then of course, Edward quickly introduced them as Carlisle and Esme, his tone still carried a hint of hurt and unhappiness.

They turned to me with warm and dazzling smiles, overwhelming me again with their beauty. It made me lose my concentration and I tripped on the last step. All four of them instantly reached out for me, but only Edward, Dr. Cullen and his wife were fast enough to actually catch me. I blushed with embarrassment as I joined Charlie's side. He then immediately took me in his arms as well, and his relief was, for once, obvious in the way he held me. He held an arm protectively around my shoulders as Dr. Cullen gave him an umbrella before saying goodbye.

Charlie held the umbrella over me as I got into the cruiser, before getting in on his side and driving home, which took much less time than I'd expected. When Edward had been so fast to bring me to his house, I'd thought that we were close to the shore, but it was actually just outside Forks.

This brought back a bit of the enigma, but I pushed back the questions. There was no need for them anymore, I would never have the chance to ask him anyway. He'd been hurt by my reactions, had misunderstood my silence, and I wasn't even capable of telling him why, or apologize.

I decided that my guilty conscience was right and that I would not betray Alex any more by having whatever weird sort of relationship it was with Edward. It was over. Over before it even could have begun.

* * *

I'd followed the cruiser all the way to their home. I trusted Charlie, but just in case…

As soon as I'd made sure she was safely home, I'd gotten back, and Alice and Jasper had joined me in my room. The same CD that Alice had put on for Bella was playing. Maybe I'd never turn it off.

"She's in love, very much in love, I sensed it." Jasper shared with Alice and me. He was leaning with his back against the window, while I was gazing through it. "But she's in pain because of it. I felt the same in people who have broken up, but it's much, much stronger in her." His words were only a confirmation of what I'd known. It was more than obvious that she was in pain. I'd seen it every day at school, seen it when she was alone, seen it as she was asleep, having nightmares.

About two weeks after she'd first arrived here, after recovering from the shock her scent had provoked in me, the maddening thirst and desire, I'd started to get intrigued by her, by her silent mind. It hadn't taken long for me to care for her, she was so special. But more importantly, she made me feel so much less lonely. She was in pain too, and misery loves company.

But it was so much more than that of course. I'd followed her sometimes, stayed in her bedroom every night. Lately I'd had to hold back a bit, to my greatest frustration, for she'd started to notice me, to turn around when I looked. And the expression on her face had convinced me to let her be, for it had been an expression of fear. The last thing I wanted was to frighten her.

So Jasper had felt her pain, I was a bit jealous of him, I would've liked to feel it too, to be closer to her. His words cut through me. I didn't want her to be in pain, I wanted her to smile, to feel less constricted, to feel free to speak and be herself, like she'd seemed to have done for the shortest moment while sitting here on my couch.

I breathed in deeply; I could smell her scent that was still sticking to the leather of the couch and invaded the space. Instinctively, Alice and Jasper breathed it in too.

"She does smell so good." Alice said dreamily. I snorted at the huge understatement.

"What do you think is wrong with her?" Jasper asked. I felt that he was a little bit more on edge; Bella's scent in the room was harder for him to bear. But it was good training, and he knew it, so he did not complain.

"It's obvious." Alice said simply. Jasper and I stared at her. "Don't you guys see?" She asked, incredulous. She only got two puzzled looks in response. "_Boys." _She sighed, rolling her eyes at us. "Didn't you recognize it in her eyes? It was the pain of _loss_. She lost the one she loved."

Of course, it did seem obvious now. My heart constricted as I considered just how _much_ she must've loved him. Seeing how she'd reacted to my question about her past. And even though I felt terrible for her that he'd died, I couldn't help but also feel a pang of jealousy. Something in me longed to be loved by her just as much.

I realized it was the stone-still heart. The one I thought I'd lost almost a century ago.

* * *

During that drive home, I'd wondered if Charlie was going to ask me how it was that I'd ended up at the Cullens' house. Did he even know that my truck was by the shore, and was it actually still there, or had it disappeared in the thunderous flow of the downpour?

But Charlie did not say anything. I suspected that Dr. Cullen and his wife must've already offered an explanation. And he knew that I did not like to talk. So the ride had passed in silence. Once home, Charlie insisted that I drink a hot brew, so he made me some tea, and then he brought me some extra blankets to my room, afraid that I was hypothermic or something.

But nothing helped to make the night more peaceful. To my usual nightmares, filled with bodies of Alex, my mother, Charlie, and now Edward, Alice and Jasper too, added scenes of disaster and hurricanes. I remembered as I woke up, that I'd seen the flashes of lightning but hadn't been able to hear them. The storm had played out around me, but in an eerie silence, and no one had saved me there, I'd been alone.

There was one little thing though that had brightened my mood just a tiny bit this morning: the sun. It was the very first time that I clearly saw the sun in the bright blue sky. It had still hung low this morning, but it was filling the cafeteria with its golden rays now, interrupted now and then by a stray fluffy cloud.

But it was not helping me at the moment. Because something else had brought me down entirely the second Charlie had dropped me off at school (yes, I hadn't been able to persuade him to let me walk, and yes, people had stared at me to my great embarrassment) The Volvo hadn't been present in the parking lot. And now at lunch, the Cullen table was empty. I couldn't help feeling that maybe Edward hadn't come to school because I had reacted badly to his question when we had parted, but that didn't explain why _all_ of them were absent.

There was absolutely no reason for me to stare at that table now, but it seemed to be some kind of reflex. Eventually, Angela noticed.

"Are you all right, Bella?" She inquired. And for her to ask that question, I had to look even worse than usual. How did I manage that?

"I'm okay." I said, trying to nod reassuringly, but I had no idea what expression was on my face. Our little interaction caught Jessica's attention. She also saw how my eyes darted once more in that direction. She followed my gaze and understood what it was about. Of course, she couldn't leave such a nice opportunity to start her gossip again. I was sure she'd already told me a lot about the Cullens since I was here, but now I actually wanted to listen.

"You noticed, huh?" She said with a sort of patronizing smile. "They're always away when the weather's nice. They go hiking or something, but…" She dropped her voice as if she didn't want anyone else to hear, though she'd already told the whole school about it, I was certain. "…I think they're hiding something. They're weird you know, everyone here thinks so."

"Are you talking about the Cullens?" Mike interjected, and suddenly, the whole table was involved in the conversation. They began to argue about whether it was incest or not when they were all with each other, while being siblings by adoption.

It was the first time I heard about the fact that they were apparently all adopted. That certainly answered some questions, like how Dr. Cullen and his wife had been able to have so many teenage children when they themselves looked like they still attended college. I also learned that Jasper and Rosalie actually wore another name: Hale, and that they were twins. Although I could not really see much more resemblance between them than the family features I'd already summed up.

I listened in silence, taking in every detail of this most fascinating family, so unusual, so…. But it was no use, I reminded myself. It was like I was desperately trying to know more about them, in order to maybe get closer, but I _wasn't_ a part of their family. I'd made sure of that with my usual cold and detached behavior yesterday. Which, I also reminded myself, was a good thing, because I did not want to belong with them, for I did not want to be closer to Edward than any other stranger. I _could_ not, I wasn't allowed.

When lunch ended, I felt ready to pull all my hair out and bang my head against the wall. It seemed that the numbness I'd carefully kept in place was now fading, cracking, as my inner struggle about what to do with these new emotions was bringing me to life, disturbing the quiet of my loneliness, which wasn't good. This life that animated me was like a light. It illuminated my mind, showing the mess inside that I hadn't had to look at in the darkness. I was forced to see it now though, and I thought it would drive me mad.

It was actually physically painful to sit through biology and survive gym. Every single emotion I had felt ever since I'd lost Alex was present in me. The desperation, the pain, the powerlessness, the loss, the grief, but also the desire, the fascination, the relief and the crushing guilt.

A human wasn't made to bear so much at once. It wasn't possible. I was certain by the end of the day, when Charlie came to pick me up that I would snap, right there on the spot. But strangely I didn't. I kept in the tears, I pushed back that invisible force that was smothering me and twisting my heart around in my chest. There was a vague idea forming in my mind.

I wasn't especially pleased to see my truck in the driveway as we got home. But it gave me a solution to the only problem I had with this blurry idea. I hadn't known _how_, but with my truck I knew now.

Charlie on the other hand interpreted my expression as pleasure, and he told me how he'd gone down the road by the shore, and found my truck just at the edge of the cliff.

So he had known where my truck had been. I wondered again what Dr. Cullen had told him. Had he told the truth? But surely, Charlie would also have thought it was weird that Edward could have carried me such a long way in such a terrible storm.

Whatever it was, it didn't matter anyway. My truck was here, and having proven it was tough, it still worked. I took advantage of the fact that Charlie thought I was happy to have my truck again, and told him I wanted to take it for a short drive after I'd finished my homework and dinner. He was a bit hesitant, but he agreed, probably not wanting to refuse me anything that could make me just a little bit less miserable.

So I continued this day like any other, preparing lasagna for dinner, eating it with Charlie, and finish an essay about the evolution of the Gothic Novel and some calculus problems. I tried not to think too much as I said goodbye to Charlie and went out the door.

"Don't be too late!" He'd called from the couch. I hadn't responded, but I felt a lump in my throat as I drove away. This would hurt him so much… I had no choice though. I simply could not survive another day like today. There was no other way out.

I drove the same way I'd had yesterday, to the shore, to the cliffs. After a quarter of an hour drive, I ended up in a perfect spot. Ahead I could see the top of the cliff, and then nothing, just ocean.

I stayed put in my truck, thinking. It was strange, being in the same situation as yesterday, only now nothing was pushing me over the edge, I was doing it willingly…

I watched how the last bit of the sun disappeared beneath the horizon, the sky ahead was blue with some pink fluffs here and there, but just above my head, a vast grey ceiling was advancing, making the twilight even darker. Then, the sun was gone and the world became colorless again, everything was just a different shade of grey. Slowly but surely, the sunny day made room for the Forks weather as little drops splashed on my windshield.

It picked up quickly, so that when I finally got out and walked the last steps toward the edge, my hair was soaked once again. I stood there for a while, and I suddenly realized that I was actually scared, and that I hadn't really made a decision like I had thought. I'd just made up a plan, a plan to come here, it was only now, right here, that I had to actually decide to jump.

I began to shiver as I watched the black waves underneath. My hair, my clothes began to stick to my skin, and the sound of the rain on the water was surprisingly refreshing. I felt entranced by the ocean, as it swayed back and forth, like a silent lullaby. It reminded me of the Cullen's voices, but especially Edwards, for it had the most effect on me no doubt. I allowed myself to sin by thinking of him now, I would pay the price in a moment anyway.

But I did not forget Alex either. The very last time I had seen him, he'd been smiling. I tried to remember that moment, the last happy moment of my life. I saw it happen, in the waves.

And then, everything went blank. Like my mind had shut down, for it knew that my body would soon shut down too. There was nothing else, no life flashing before my eyes like they said, no bright light, no regrets, nothing. Just the trance the waves had put me in. They seemed to come closer as I continued to look at them fixedly. I did not even have to really think about it, my foot edged forward, feeling where the ground suddenly disappeared from under it. I knew now that the waves would approach me at an alarming speed, or rather that's what I thought.

The reverse was happening, quite unexpectedly. But as my mind was still blank, I did not register the strangeness of it. The waves just kept getting farther and farther away from me, until they completely disappeared behind the edge of the cliff. The trance of the waves now broken, I became more aware of my surroundings.

I hadn't felt it before, because I was so cold, but something around my waist was even colder. It was pulling me backwards. Then, a second coldness wrapped gently around my shoulder, pulling me around until I had turned 180 degrees. But my head was still facing downwards, and first I could only see a pair of shoes.

As my mind began to work again slowly, I began to gather what I'd almost just done, how close I had really been. I looked at my waist to see what felt so cold. I saw an arm, hard and strong, curled around me in much the same way as yesterday when he'd pulled me out of the cab of my truck. How was it that he was here? _Again_?

I looked up slowly, expecting to see those topaz eyes, but instead, I fell into a pitch-black ocean, even deeper than the one I'd just left. I continued to stare, my mind still very slow at this point. But then his head came closer, leaning down towards me until his mouth was next to my ear, brushing against it ever so slightly.

"Don't ever do that again." I barely heard him whisper over the sound of the rain. It did not sound like an order, but rather like he was begging. He sounded desperate, tortured.

His arms were now wrapped protectively around me, almost possessively, as if he was furious at the waves for trying to entice me and take me away from him. I, in the meanwhile couldn't do anything but stare at his dripping hair. It was so beautiful, so elegant. I was certain I looked like a drowning cat, while he looked so… perfect. Why? Why was he perfect? Why were they _all_ perfect? And why did that make me feel sad, left out? Why did I want to belong with them?

I knew somewhere that I should feel guilty again, for Alex, but I simply did not have the energy for that. I was completely drained, and I could do nothing else but surrender to Edward's safe arms. So I closed my eyes and leaned against him with my cheek pressed against his chest. His hand came to rest on my head, keeping the rain away, and I could feel his nose brushing against my hair, smelling it, breathing it in, breathing _me _in. For the first time since my life had died, I did not feel alone.

"What are you thinking?" He suddenly asked, still whispering, as if not wanting to break the wonderful stillness and peace of this moment.

"What?" I said, still dazed, and a bit confused by his question.

"Please." He begged again. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"Uh…" I said, searching for some thoughts, because I hadn't really been thinking much. "I…I think Charlie is waiting for me."

He was silent, but it felt like he was thinking.

"I'll take you back then." He said.

In just seconds I was in my truck again, but in the passenger seat. I did not ask any questions though, I really was too tired to wonder anymore. Edward took place behind the wheel, his expert hands were handling the truck so well, it seemed effortless. He didn't have to look at the road very much, so he noticed that I was just staring stupidly at him.

I, on the other hand, noticed he seemed to be in a bad mood, a bit crabby, on edge. I did not wonder however.

"Why? Why did you do that?" He sounded frustrated and pained again. I did not know how to explain it though. Was there even a point in explaining? "I don't know what you're thinking!" He said as he saw I wasn't going to answer. It had almost sounded like a growl this time, as if it was inacceptable for him not to know what was in my mind. I just added it to the list of so many strange things about him and his family.

"Neither do I." The words seemed to be easier to get out, just like yesterday, when I'd been in his room, talking about his music collection.

"You don't know what _I_'m thinking, or you don't know what _you_'re thinking?" He seemed to have a tendency for making conversations a bit complicated.

"Both." I said after a moment's hesitation.

"Why did you do that?" He asked the question again. Not wanting to let it go.

"I don't want to go to school." Was the best answer I could think of. I did not feel ready to face the real reason. Of course it was obvious that he knew it wasn't true.

"We're here." He said suddenly. Of course we were, time passed twice as fast when I was with him it seemed. I did not even bother wondering about that either.

"How are you going to get home?" I asked.

"Don't worry about me. I'm not getting home just yet." I had the feeling that he knew something I didn't, like I'd had with Alice before. "But I won't be far." He added. "So if you try something like that again, I'll know." There was no menace in his voice though. He just kept it smooth and soft in that lullaby manner. I felt the sleepiness coming over me.

I suddenly longed for my bed. I got out of the cab, and he was instantly next to me, protecting me from the rain by keeping me close to him all the way to the porch.

"Take care of yourself, Bella." He said those same words again. But they touched me particularly this time, for I hadn't really taken much care of myself just a while ago, had I? He then disappeared behind the grey curtain of rain, leaving me protected in the doorway.

Charlie was still watching a game when I entered. Apparently, I hadn't been gone for so long, even though it was getting really dark now. I glanced at the clock, it was just past nine. Charlie turned around at the sound of the front door.

"Bella! You're drenched. You should go get yourself dried up."

I liked this about Charlie. My mom would've all over me, trying to dry me herself, but Charlie just let me do it like a grown person, which of course did not mean he wasn't worried.

I wished him good night and disappeared up the stairs. I threw all my clothes in the hamper, took a hot shower and then adorned myself with my comfy sweatpants and shirt. I felt strangely … light as I got into bed that night. I thought of Edward who'd said he wouldn't be far. It comforted me, and I fell deeply asleep, undisturbed by corpses and death for once.

* * *

And here I am again, to encourage you in a very friendly and not at all pressuringly way, and with a smile and not a frown, and with all the love in my heart and no burning curiosity and frustration at all... to leave your thoughts behind before you pass on to the other things in your life and forget about this little thing I wrote which hides ina tiny corner of the web... Thank You :D

Aoiika


	4. With the Passing of Time

**A/n: **Good day everyone! It's too late at night, and I have used up all of my inspiration, so I have nothing else to add but the next chapter.

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**Chapter 4.**

**With the Passing of Time**

As I arrived to school the next morning, I got caught by Alice before I could even step into the building. It wasn't raining, surprisingly, and we still had a bit of time before the start of school, so she took us towards the usually deserted benches. I made sure to sit on my jacket and not on the permanently damp wood.

"Bella." She began in a slightly reproachful voice. I was surprised, it was the first time I felt anger in it, if ever so little. It did not lessen the honey-like sweetness of it. "How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I'm fine." I could honestly say. I felt like a small hole had appeared in the dark cloud that had hovered over me permanently, and a single ray of golden light had pierced through it to warm me, which was more than I could ever have even wished for. Things were beginning to seem less bad, like the fact that I'd have to spend an hour next to Mike for biology. I felt ready to take on the day, instead of just letting it pass me by, trying desperately not to feel anything. Today was the first day I did not need the numbness. I had not forgotten any of the pain, but I could bear it.

"Good." She said. "Because I need to ask, what the _hell_ were you thinking?" Her voice had hardened considerably in that last sentence. It was not louder, but the anger was clear in it. "Do you realize the consequences of such an act? Did you think about your parents, your friends, Edward, _me_?" I felt my face go red. I felt stupid now for what I'd done, but I remembered very well how I'd felt yesterday. And yes, I _had_ thought of Charlie and Renee, but it had simply been unbearable. If Edward hadn't showed up…

I suddenly felt very grateful to him. The fact that he'd saved my life, twice now, only really dawned on me now, because it was only now that I seemed to value my life a little bit again. My life wasn't dead anymore, it was reviving.

"So Edward told you, huh?" Was all I could say in my embarrassment.

"_I_ had to tell _him_! You can't imagine how it felt to have to tell him such thing." Her anger flared up, and then suddenly I saw it crumble as she took in my expression. I had no idea how I looked, but I seemed to remind her of something. She sprang into my arms, her embrace as light and cold as it was comforting and warm. "Bella, don't ever do that again!"

As she pronounced those words, her voice sounded just like her brother's as he had said them yesterday. A wonderful feeling spread through me as something clicked into place just now: Alice and Edward, they loved me. It seemed a bit obvious, but I really hadn't seen it before now. Without even knowing it, my wish to belong with them had been fulfilled, or at least a bit. There was certainly a connection. I responded to her embrace with more force and emotion at this idea.

"Alice." I said. She let me go to look at me, and I could see that her eyes were sparkling at the sound of her name. It was the first time I'd said it. I smiled at her, a true smile. I opened my mouth to say something, to share the feeling of this new realization, but I did not know how. My struggle for words was interrupted by the ring that signalized the start of classes.

Alice smiled coyly at me, as if we'd been best friends since childhood, and she dragged me behind her towards the building, depositing me in front of my classroom and darting away to her own. I looked at her lithe and graceful motions that were now becoming familiar to me, and stepped into the room with my spirits higher than they'd been in what seemed like eternity.

My wonderful mood kept up all through the day. At lunch, I still sat with the usual crowd, but when my eyes inevitably strayed towards their table, Alice winked at me, Edward smiled encouragingly, Jasper tried to do the same thing, but he looked uncomfortable, almost in pain as usual when he was at school. I glanced at the two others at the table, seeing the big guy snickering at his siblings' reactions to me, while the gorgeous blonde rather glowered at them.

I'd learned during yesterday's gossip conversation at our table that their names were Emmett and Rosalie. She was supposed to be Jasper's twin, but he looked much warmer and kinder than her, even in his strange state. I wondered if I'd ever get answers to the million questions I had about the whole lot.

But my attention was also on my own table. Everyone looked startled as I even put in a comment about one of the teachers they'd been talking about. Angela and Mike looked delighted that I seemed to be willing to participate for once, Jessica looked somewhat suspicious, but one expression surprised me. Lauren, a girl I'd never spoken to, never even really looked at was glowering at me. She wasn't nearly as scary as Rosalie Hale, but I did not like the fact that it was directed at _me. _

I racked my brain until the end of lunch to find some possible reason for this, but I could not find any. And finally I had other things to worry about, like biology with Mike. I was preparing myself mentally as I waited for class to begin, sitting in my usual seat, when suddenly Edward swooped into the one next to me in such a swift motion I barely noticed, but of course it was no longer possible for me not to notice him.

He chuckled as he took in my more than surprised expression. He became much more serious however when Mike came in, who immediately noticed that his seat had been taken. He walked over to Edward, looking quite angry. But Edward was very calm as he argued with him. In the end, Mike had to give up and go sit and sulk alone in Edward's seat, for Mr. Banner had walked in.

So yes, biology was much better than it had ever been. I felt comfortable in my body, in my head. It was not like anything happened though. Edward and I barely exchanged words, but it was good not having Mike flutter around to do everything he thought I could not. It was surprisingly easy to forget Mike. I did not even look at him after that. It was only when class was over and that I now had gym with him that he unleashed all his complaints and fury against Edward.

"Who the hell does he think he is! And he did not even help you! The next time he ever does something like that I won't just let it go. If he ever annoys you again, Bella, you have to tell me! Won't you? You…" It seemed to go on and on. He was so absorbed by it that he forgot to play volleyball, and as I wasn't exactly a natural either, we had lost by something like fifty points by the end of the period.

Once back in the changing rooms I hurried like never before to get back into my clothes. I wanted to dash away to the parking lot before Mike came out from the boy's. Me being in a hurry didn't help my clumsiness though. At some point I actually fell down while putting my jeans on. Another bruise, I thought to myself.

I did not see any of the Cullens as I reached my truck, but the Volvo was still there. As I fumbled with the lock, wondering why I even bothered to lock up such a fossil of a machine, I suddenly felt the eyes again, the eyes that I could feel on my back, watching my every movement.

I gasped at the feeling. I'd been feeling so exceptionally well today, did this paranoia attack mean that it was only temporary? Would tomorrow bring back the usual misery? I prepared myself to turn around. I knew very well that when I did, there would be absolutely nothing to see, because it was just all in my head, but I had to look anyway.

Another gasp escaped my mouth as I turned, for there actually _was_ something to see behind me. _Edward_ was standing right there, so close that his clothes almost touched mine.

"You seem so… active today." He said with an incredibly beautiful uneven smile. He even chuckled. I gave him a smile in response. All the uneasiness and paranoia had melted away at once. All I could see now were his eyes. They were… topaz! How was it that I only noticed it now? His eyes, I remembered it very clearly, they had been pitch-black just yesterday!

"Yes, I am." I said, trying to infuse my voice with all the gratitude that I felt.

"I'm so sorry if Alice was a bit…this morning…"

"It's fine." I said, smiling as I remembered. I'd actually enjoyed her anger, once I'd understood the reason behind it: that she and Edward cared for me. "I love Alice."

I was a bit taken aback by my own words. They had come out without thinking, as if one would say "I love ice cream" or "I love that band". But they were true nonetheless. I loved Alice. Whatever weird sort of friendship we had, I liked it. And Edward seemed delighted by this. His mood had apparently lifted together with mine. I hadn't seen him this happy before. But that meant little, since I had never really noticed him before either.

"You're smiling so much today." He said as he reached towards my lips. I froze in place as his fingertip brushed against them, tracing the lines of my mouth, pausing on my chin, my jaw. He then dropped his hand. His eyes were now smoldering at me, and I got lost in them, my lips were burning where he'd touched them. I felt my body go up, wanting to drown in those eyes. Then he released me, turning his gaze away, and I fell back on my feet, only now realizing I'd been standing on my tiptoes.

What had just happened?

I looked around, feeling self-conscious as I took in the people that had been staring at us. A few faces stood out. Mike for example, he seemed utterly shocked. Jessica was behind, glaring at Mike, but she seemed surprised as well. Angela almost looked ecstatic with relief and happiness. Her smile made me feel less embarrassed.

Luckily, there were not that many students around. They dispersed quickly, but I knew that there would be gossiping consequences. I turned to Edward, he was still looking at me, and I had the feeling that he had never stopped. He silently took my keys from me, opened the lock and the door, waiting for me to get in. Nevr had I had to concentrate so hard on not falling or tripping or slipping as I climbed into the cab. The last thing I wanted to happen was to look completely useless in front of him. Luckily I succeeded. I was safely seated. He then gave me my keys and said "Take care of yourself, Bella. See you soon." Before closing the door and stepping away from my truck to leave me room to maneuver.

I sighed, I still needed to concentrate, just for a while longer, until he could not see me anymore. I blushed just a bit as I got past Alice and Jasper, winking at me in a way that clearly showed they'd already heard about what had happened just a few seconds ago. But in fact, nothing had really happened. Well, he'd touched me, and I'd just stood there like a complete and utter moron.

And then I saw it, in the distance. A face was staring at me. It was slightly blurry, my memory of it was fading, but I knew it well and it could only be him. He was smiling, as he often did before. When we walked together in the blazing sun, when he picked me up after school, when we ate ice-cream at my home.

Why was he smiling now? It looked…wrong. It wasn't a real smile. He…he was still there. Watching me. Telling me with his look that whatever happened, he was dead, he was gone and I had no right to forget him. I had no right to betray him, he who had given everything. I was forever in debt, for being alive, I was forever bound.

Alex.

It sounded like a question in my mind, as if I was waiting for some kind of answer, or a sign. There was nothing. It was irrational to expect any response, and quite selfish too. I realized that if I wanted to betray Alex, I would have to bear the guilt, because there simply was no one to forgive me. Still I whispered under my breath "forgive me" all the way home.

"Bella? Bella, did you hear me?" I heard Charlie's voice say, sounding slightly worried as usual. I'd been repeating those two same words over and over in my mind during dinner, like some kind of Buddhist chant. _Forgive me_. But I doubted it had been intelligible to anyone but me.

"Mmm, sorry dad. What were you saying?" I asked, interrupting my chant.

"I was saying that I booked a seat on tomorrow's flight to Phoenix."

"Tomorrow? Is there something wrong?" The raw panic was clear in my voice, even to me. Had the moment come? The moment I'd hoped would never come? My fingers gripped the edge of the kitchen table with so much force they would've hurt someone if it had been a human arm.

"No, Bella, calm down." Charlie reassured me. I slumped back in my chair, resuming playing with my food. "Your mother's fine." She's less than fine, I thought somberly, but I get the point. "I just thought it would be good for you to see her again. The way you go through the day now, it's not healthy, Bella."

Oh, and you're doing so much better, I wanted to say. But there was no need for sarcasm. Charlie had done nothing wrong. I was just in a bad mood again, because this wonderful day had been cut short by reality. My mom was still here, waiting for death to come. I secretly wished it would be over already, the waiting was almost worse than the loss. But I did not want to say goodbye yet, I never wanted to say goodbye. I just wanted my mother to be healthy, I wanted her to see me graduate, to see me go to college, or get married. Luckily she would never have to miss that, because _that_ would never happen.

Tears began to sting my eyes again. I choked them back in a hurry.

"What about school?" I asked, just looking for something to say.

"I already cleared it with them. You're smart, Bella. You're still a bit ahead because of your advanced placement back in Phoenix. You won't miss much."

I stuck a potato in my mouth, chewed hard and swallowed. So I was going back to phoenix, huh? I had absolutely no idea if I was happy or devastated by that thought. But I thanked Charlie anyway. I knew he was just trying really hard. I suddenly wished I could help him too. I knew he was in much pain himself.

"It's all right." He responded to my thanks. "I'll drive you to the airport. I know you've missed the sun." _Not today_, I thought.

I got up and did the dishes, but before I could leave to my room to start packing Charlie said: "Oh, just one other thing. A boy dropped by early this morning before you were up, he's one of Dr. Cullen's kids I think. Very well raised I must say, just like his brothers and sisters, I think …"

"Dad!"

"Oh, yes, sorry." He never talked much, but to defend the Cullens... "He asked me to give you an envelope. It's by the phone. I forgot to tell you at breakfast. I did not open it, I swear."

I threw him a suspicious look as I took the envelope and went into my room to read it.

_Hello Bella,_

_I heard you're leaving for Phoenix tomorrow._

_I'd like to see you before you leave, _

_And so do Alice and Jasper._

_We'll be in the school parking lot tomorrow._

_You can come if you want,_

_It's your choice._

_Take care of yourself, Bella._

_Edward_

"Take care of yourself." When he said it, or even just wrote it, I always felt like he meant it. It wasn't just a polite goodbye. But I did wonder why he hadn't said anything today at school, if he'd already known since this morning. Had Charlie meant it to be a surprise?

I reread the letter, and then carefully folded it and put it back in the envelope. I then placed it on my bed, planning on taking it with me to Phoenix. I'd need a little piece of him with me there. I was becoming so scared of what I'd find when I'd arrive in that hospital. Ideally I needed Alex. I wanted Alex. I really, really wanted Alex, but my heart had somehow decided to use Edward instead, and had directed my longing toward him. It was disgusting, it was unfair, and I could do nothing about it.

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Would you do me the favour of sharing your thoughts with me this time? Really? Yes? Oh that makes me so happy! :D


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